There is an aphorism saying that there are no atheists in foxholes. In fact, many people do at least reconsider their spiritual attitudes when they are confronted with existential situations. Nadine and me were talking about belief the other day and I realized that she is somehow struggling to find her position. So let me go into some detail about the whole thing. Not because I’m the wise guy who feels the need to explain how the world is working, but to provide Nadine with a thread she may use for becoming more clear – no matter if I’m wrong or right.

Since the beginning of the modern age, belief became more and more questionable. Modern western societies produce rationalist characters who desire rational justifications for their attitudes – which is a bit difficult with spiritual issues. I’m all with German philosopher Immanuel Kant who pointed out that there is no rational way for us to decide these kind of questions in a satisfying manner.

There might be no rational justification for belief, but there is a pragmatist one. It stems from Harvardian philosopher William James who explained his point of view in “a defence of our right to adopt a believing attitude in religious matters, in spite of the fact that our merely logical intellect may not have been coerced.”

Let me try to summarize James’ essay “The Will to Believe” in a rather free interpretation: Every person has his or her certain issues he or she desperately needs to find answers to in order to live a balanced life. For many people, spiritual matters are amongst them. They cause some kind of existential pressure that needs to be resolved. Turning to deism and belief or to atheism and disbelief are both ways to manage this. Agnosticism isn’t because it’s not suitable to pacify irresolute minds.

To me, these issues aren’t pressing, so I’m fine to end my journey down that road with Kant: I’m able to lean back in agnosticism quiet comfortably and wait and see what’s going to come some day. But I fully accept that other people need to make their choices so I grant them every right to do so – even in times dominated by rationality. And, in accordance with James, I don’t think that belief is stupid.

I was quite surprised how many readers of this blog told me that they include Nadine and me in their prayers or do something similar, depending on what they believe in. Among them were a lot of people whom I didn’t expect to sail that boat at all. The photo above shows the ‘interreligious altar’ of a friend of ours – she even put a picture of Nadine on it. Although I got my difficulties in believing that such actions will take any clinical effect, I’m very thankful for you taking them: it shows that you are truly affected and try to contribute in your very own way. I want to assure you that this solicitousness means a lot to Nadine.

In the last few weeks Nadine developped a distinct interest in her family’s history. She’s asking her dad a lot about dates and tends to remember past events more clearly. I wouldn’t go so far to say that she’s haunted, but obviously she’s diving for her submerged childhood memories. One story is about how her grandfather died when she was still a toddler. She has a certain picture in mind with him holding her younger sister at Christmas and also got a scene of his dying moments a few days later with people sitting around him in a circle reciting German poet Wilhelm Busch.

But most of her memories are related to her grandmother Erika Requardt, pictured above with her husband Willi and Nadine’s father aund uncle. I’m told that Nadine has a lot in common with Erika, both in character and in look. After having to flee from her hometown in Elbing during the war, Erika ended up in Wiesbaden, where little Nadine visited her quiet often. She describes her grandma’s home as a place where she was allowed to behave unrestricted and has plenty of pleasant memories about being there. Erika died when Nadine was twelve years old. The memories of the funeral of this woman, with whom Nadine shares a strong bound, became also very lively during the last weeks.

I resist turning psychological here and take this phenomenon as an interesting example for what can happen to the human brain under certain circumstances. Call me a physicalist if you like to…

If today’s blood test doesn’t veto, Nadine’s radiation treatment will be continued with seven more sessions to come. That’s good news in a medical sense – the radiation is absolutely crucial to her. But it is also good news for her well-being. It may sound strange, but she told me that she is able to enjoy these sessions, regardless of the irritating fact that somebody is directing rays around her brain. The reason is that she is wearing a customized mask that keeps all external influences away . Did I already tell you that one of her current troubles is stimulus satiation? So it’s good to see that treatment is back on track and that it also provides her some quietness.

Radiation to the head makes you loose your hair after some time and this process kicked in a few days ago. So we decided to set a mark and I shaved her head yesterday. I already got some experience: back in 2014, during her chemotherapy, I had to do the same thing. There were bouts of three weeks then and we decided to use one of the gaps to visit the Primavera Sound festival in Barcelona. The one day I shaved her head, the next day we hopped on a plane. Although she felt weak sometimes, she mastered the task of attending a festival with bravery. In the picture above you can see her watching from the sideline wearing one of her newly aquired hats. We decided against a wig because these hats or caps look great on her.

One of the bands we saw at Primavera were Slowdive, an outfit who were completely off the radar for about two decades. Their floating shoegaze-sound always has a comforting effect on Nadine’s mind, even though the live version is a bit more noisy than the album track: