I arranged a few things on our terrace in front of the living room window where Nadine’s bed is placed. When I open the curtains and turn her to her right hand side, the picture above is more or less what she’s looking at. She is doing this right now while I’m writing these words and prepares to start into another day.

Two days ago, she was hardly adressable and unable to speak. This started to improve yesterday when we had a few visitors and it became even better this morning. She competely gets what I’m telling her, she is responding and she also comes up with questions or things on her own.  First thing she told me this morning was that she doesn’t want to die.

I received many e-mails with wishes and offers to help and I’m very thankful for that.  Having visitors yesterday evening seemed to have brought some life back to Nadine. I asked her if she liked it and she clearly said yes. As it Is hard for me to talk to her the whole day long – I’m running out of topics – I think it’s a good thing for her to get some stimuli from the outside.

With her being unable to play a complete part in conversation, you should come up with some idea of entertainment: tell her a story, read something to her, play her a few songs or make music by your own , sing something, … Another idea is that you come in pairs or groups and talk amongst each other so she can listen and join in at times. In order to coordinate this, please use my e-mail or landline phone number given on the contact site of this blog.

Many of you told me about their relation with and feelings towards Nadine by e-mail. I want to encourage you once again to go public and post it ont the blog so that everybody can take part. Remember that these e-mails will be lost some day while the blog can be conserved forever. You can use the comment function or the wall of wishes for small messages but I also want you to offer to do your own posts: just write a text with one of the shared experiences you had with Nadine, tell us about your special relation to her, express your feelings for her or come up with an homage if you like to. Send it to me by e-mail and I will put it online under your name. It would be nice if you could send a picture or a link to a suitable song too. Please do it, Nadine likes the idea very much!

I felt the need to break with the series of present pictures which are all somehow sad. In the shot above, which was taken in 2011, you can see a pefectly lucky Nadine swimming in the sea at her favourite beach in Leucate-Plage. If you know Nadine well, you will be able to interpret that beautiful smile she’s wearing…

At this time we thought we would have decades left and could grow old together – a hope that was still kept alive when her breast cancer was local and seemed to be cured in spring 2015. These hopes were reduced towards the end of the year, when metastases were diagnosed. After radiation treatment went well in the beginning of 2016, we were still hoping for some years to share .

But things went worse in autumn and I started to feel that we might get only months. Now, with the latest progress, even this turns out to be exagerrated. The doctor who visited us yesterday spoke honestly from his experience and told us that it is more likely to be days or weeks.

We’ve got the quietness I asked for a few posts ago now, but it is a different one as expected. Maybe her new set of medication tells the story best: A few days ago, she took in more than ten different substances on a daily basis. Most of them are off the table, because they  were following eviscerated long term strategies like preventing a malfunction of the thyroid. All she gets regularily now is cortisone, some intravenous liquid to keep her hydrated and a permanent dosage of Keppra to prevent cramping attacks. I also got some medication against pain or anxiety to apply on demand but they were not needed yet.

I dearly hope that I will have all the power and strength to master this last stand in the “best and most graceful manner” I announced back in December 2015. And yes, life sucks!

During our last talk on station D6, Nadine’s doctor told me that we are standing with our backs to the wall. Now it seems that the new chemotherapy shows no benefit. Yesterday, Nadine’s state deteriorated and she couldn’t drink, eat or take her medicine anymore. When I tried to wash her, she was unable to assist, let alone brush her teeth. The only explanation is that the pressure in her brain has increased furthermore.

She was treated with a higher dose of cortisone in the evening and is asleep and not approachable since then. Rigt now, I’m waiting for another doctor to come to our house and assess the situation. Her facial expression in the picture is a better one, sometimes her mouth hangs open and she’s staring with widened eyes into notingness.

I don’t have any words for how sad I feel now. With no more therapeutical options available, all my hope is gone – it looks like we have to face the end soon. Knowing that she prefers to stay at home I promised her to do everything I can to make this happen. Even though this terrible disease might defeat Nadine’s body, I will not allow it to defeat our love.