Today it’s one month since Nadine closed her eyes forever. I went for a run this morning with tears in my eyes. The woods above our house hold so many memories of togetherness. It is so hard to accept that Nadine isn’t around anymore and that all these things can never be repeated, just replayed in some shadowy memories.

In fact it’s the little things I miss the most: walking the woods together, sharing a jar of sangria in the sun, visiting the vicunas at the Wilhelma, going to the movies, … All these things that make perfect days. I would give everything for being able to spend some more of them with Nadine.

P.S.: The picture was taken on a day trip to the pictorial village of Colliure in Southern France.

I spent the weekend in my hometown Heidenheim beacuse my goduncle is seriously ill too. Working in his garden and flat offered me distraction because Nadine had never been there. In my mother’s house, I slept in a bed under one of Nadine’s paintings.

When I returned in the afternoon by train I went directly to the Waldfriedhof. Everything came back and hit me hard once again. I’m facing another sad evening now but I try not to complain. Instead I’m willing to pay any price for having been allowed to share almost eight years with the most gracious person I ever met.

On Monday, Nadine’s tree was cleared from all decoration. The gardeners from the Waldfriedhof took away all the flowers, the dove, and the wooden heart which was hanging there. I hope this was a cleanup that takes place only one time shortly after a burial. To find out, I replaced the heart by a similar one and put a shell Nadine once collected at her favourite beach at the foot of her tree.

I also returned to work on Monday – staying at home all the time doesn’t do me any good. Work offers some kind of distraction, but just like anything else it is clouded by sadness. No, life isn’t easy these days and I don’t expect it to become better any time soon. On the other hand,after having lost the person that meant most to me,  I would feel guilty if it did.