The graveyard has been cleaned up and almost all of the leaves are gone. The place is definitely settling for winter now.
After Nadine died, I immediately started to force myself to socialize. I often saw no sense in going to pubs or concerts and kept asking myself before leaving the house: “Why are you doing this when you’re mostly thinking of something else anyway?” But it finally helped. I regained the ability to enjoy these things without bad thoughts and I’m doing them more often now than I used to over the last ten years. At the weekend we had a party in my hometown with lots of old friends and good music which I was able to comletely enjoy. Friends are definitely the best medicine in the world…
As much as I appreciate this development I still suffer from a lack of real purpose. As I realize now, my major task during the last decade was to keep Nadine happy and to make the rest of her life as pleasant and enjoyable as possible. I did this with all of my heart and could not find any replacement yet. I’m not talking about another person, I’m talking about purpose in general. I try not to think about that too much and remain patient: time has already done a lot, but there’s still some work left…
