It was very hard for me to visit Nadine’s grave this weekend and it implied a lot of crying. On Sunday, it was exactly four months since she passed away. I do of course know that such dates do not mean a thing, but they are qualified to trigger memories anyway.

On Friday, our friend and Nadine’s former professor back in her days in Kansas visited me. This did not only trigger memories, but also gave me some new knowledge and insights. The two of us were talking the whole day long and he told me that, in his opinion, I was the one who saw Nadine the way she wanted to be and so she could become that person. And that she trusted me from the very beginning so that this became possible.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate these words very much, but they didn’t make my walk to the Waldfriedhof on Saturday any easier. They made me feel my loss and the thought, that all of our great togetherness is now buried beyond the little rock pictured above even harder. Doesn’t feel fine, but at least the tears go by after each  visit and mostly stay away for the rest of the day then.

I went to see three Canadian bands yesterday.  Nadine would have loved the idea of a gig taking place in somebodys living room and she would have fallen for the special humor of these guys too.

In fact, Shotgun Jimmie was the last concert the both of us visited together – back in September at the Manufaktur in Schorndorf. We hoped to return there for The Burning Hell in December, but it wasn’t possible anymore. So I finally had to witness their great duet, which Nadine and me were listening to over and over again last autumn, all alone:

I passed by my old flat the other day. The one in the Heusteigviertel where I was living when Nadine moved to Stuttgart. Where she joined me after about one year and where we spent another year together before we moved on. Life was still fair these days.

Tonight, I’m going to see a concert at the Kiste, the place where the both of us went on the very evening of Nadine’s removal – she would have loved to go there again. Tomorrow, a market with sustainable goods starts at the Marienplatz – she would have enjoyed to visit it very much. On Saturday, the first game of football in the Stadtliga takes place at the Feuerbacher Tal – Nadine would have been happy to meet my teammate’s wifes with whom she became close friends. And on Sunday, my chess club is hosting a rapid tournament – she would have provided two cakes minimum and would have had her fun behind the counter.

It’s so hard to accept that she’s denied all of this. Life doesn’t feel fair anymore.