My goduncle died today. At the age of 74, he succumbed to the long term effects of the heavy smoking habit he sported for about fifty years. In the pictures above you can see him taking care of me around the house in Heidenheim I was born in and in which he lived for his whole life.

When I traveled there today, I expected that I wouldn’t have any tears left to cry for him. This turned out not to be true: even though I spent whole floods for Nadine during the last weeks, I managed to cry a few for him too. Which is a good thing I think…

It is eight years today since Nadine and I became a couple. I know this date meant a lot to her so I skipped my plans to go for a run in the morning and visited her tree early. I usually stay there for five songs on my phone. Today I listened to them twice.

It makes me feel terrible that there is no proper way left to celebrate: I can dwell in my memories, hug the tree, say a few words, cry some tears, light a candle and put some decoration somewhere. Today I hung another heart at her tree. I know it will be removed soon but the gesture was much needed.

Another one of these dates that reminds he how much I’ve lost. I walked a long way home and was so physically and emotionally exhausted that I fell asleep immediately. Being awake again, I feel betrayed by life, robbed by death and terribly lonely.

After a few days in my hometown Heidenheim I returned to Stuttgart this morning. Nadine’s father celebrated his birthday in the Pier 51, the restaurant we visited after Nadine’s burial. After having brunch we went to Nadine’s tree together.

At the foot of the tree, the first spring flowers have started to grow. The place becomes more and more beautiful and I’m sure Nadine would have loved it there. But this makes me sad anyway: we used to share such moments of beauty and we can’t do it anymore. There are no words to describe how much I miss her…