Nadine’s body stayed in our flat until yesterday evening. My mother, Annika and Johanna were the first ones to arrive in the morning, Nadine’s parents and other family members followed. Except for my mother they all left in the early afternoon to give me some time to say my goodbyes. Did anyone of you ever cuddle up to a dead body and kiss stone-cold lips? I hope you never have to. But I can tell you that, even though you might not fancy it right now, in the situation given you will. At 7 .p.m. the mortician arrived and Nadine left our beloved flat for the last time – once again on a stretcher.

Nadine was brought to some kind of goodbye-room at the Waldfriedhof Leinfelden (Manosquer Straße 77) where she will stay until Wednesday. If you want to share a last personal moment with her, you can go there between 8 a.m. and 4 p.m.  There’s also the option to drop something in her coffin that will be burned together with her body towards the end of the week. Please make sure that you don’t arrive there before Monday 12 a.m.

There will be an official service too, propably at Febraury 10th, to which all of you are invited. We’re busy making plans, but the date has to be confirmed yet.

Since Thursday Nadine wasn’t approachable anymore. The signs became worse on Friday: her smell changed, her feet an hands felt cold, parts of her skin turned dark, her eyes became hollow, her mouth hang agape. Tina, Katharina and Silke came over for the evening and we all shared the intuition that this couldn’t last very much longer.

When our guests left, I lay down into Nadine’s bed and took her into my arms. At that time, she was breathing short and flat and was moaning occassionally. At 1 a.m. her soft moaning became constant and I tried to comfort her with words and by caressing her cheek. At 2 a.m. the moaning stopped and her breathing became increasingly silent and slow, at 2.30 it stopped forever. I washed, oiled and dressed her and put her to rest. Now, I’m listening to the soundtrack of this blog and wait for Annika and my mother to arrive.

After a long ordeal my brave darling finally passed away. And no, I’m still no believer, but maybe there’s something like heaven and the girl of my dreams is waiting there for me:

My beloved Nadine,

not long ago, you told me that the years we shared were the best ones of your life. More than just a few of your close friends confirmed that too. And I discoverd the little scribbling shown in the picture above on the last page of one of you’re notebooks. It must have been written sometime in hospital and speaks for itself .

I can’t tell you how proud and honored I am to be the one who turned your life bright. Because this is exactly what you deserve. From the very beginning I knew what an incredibly good-hearted person you are: tender, harmonic, considerate, trusting, humble, loving, honest, caring, …

Our relationship was never spectacluar but is carried by a deep sense of belonging and mutual understanding. We never disagree about what to do or where to go – which is mostly due to your open-mindedness and adaptability. You are the best companion I could have hoped for. I want to thank you not only for what you mean to me, but also for what you are in general: Thank you for being you!

I will love you forever,

Jens

P.S.: “Dont’ run away Emily” refers to a song by Torres which already appeared in one oft the first post on this blog. I guess Nadine wrote it down in fear of being left alone. But this will never happen….