I felt the need to break with the series of present pictures which are all somehow sad. In the shot above, which was taken in 2011, you can see a pefectly lucky Nadine swimming in the sea at her favourite beach in Leucate-Plage. If you know Nadine well, you will be able to interpret that beautiful smile she’s wearing…

At this time we thought we would have decades left and could grow old together – a hope that was still kept alive when her breast cancer was local and seemed to be cured in spring 2015. These hopes were reduced towards the end of the year, when metastases were diagnosed. After radiation treatment went well in the beginning of 2016, we were still hoping for some years to share .

But things went worse in autumn and I started to feel that we might get only months. Now, with the latest progress, even this turns out to be exagerrated. The doctor who visited us yesterday spoke honestly from his experience and told us that it is more likely to be days or weeks.

We’ve got the quietness I asked for a few posts ago now, but it is a different one as expected. Maybe her new set of medication tells the story best: A few days ago, she took in more than ten different substances on a daily basis. Most of them are off the table, because they  were following eviscerated long term strategies like preventing a malfunction of the thyroid. All she gets regularily now is cortisone, some intravenous liquid to keep her hydrated and a permanent dosage of Keppra to prevent cramping attacks. I also got some medication against pain or anxiety to apply on demand but they were not needed yet.

I dearly hope that I will have all the power and strength to master this last stand in the “best and most graceful manner” I announced back in December 2015. And yes, life sucks!

During our last talk on station D6, Nadine’s doctor told me that we are standing with our backs to the wall. Now it seems that the new chemotherapy shows no benefit. Yesterday, Nadine’s state deteriorated and she couldn’t drink, eat or take her medicine anymore. When I tried to wash her, she was unable to assist, let alone brush her teeth. The only explanation is that the pressure in her brain has increased furthermore.

She was treated with a higher dose of cortisone in the evening and is asleep and not approachable since then. Rigt now, I’m waiting for another doctor to come to our house and assess the situation. Her facial expression in the picture is a better one, sometimes her mouth hangs open and she’s staring with widened eyes into notingness.

I don’t have any words for how sad I feel now. With no more therapeutical options available, all my hope is gone – it looks like we have to face the end soon. Knowing that she prefers to stay at home I promised her to do everything I can to make this happen. Even though this terrible disease might defeat Nadine’s body, I will not allow it to defeat our love.

After the turbulences with the new chemotherapy we are hoping for a more steady time now. We are also alone again because my father, who stayed with us for almost a month, has returned to Finland this morning. He came around for christmas and stayed longer in order to bridge the days I had to spent away at work.

From this week on, my working hours are reduced furthermore. I will now work an average of three hours for five days a week. Mondays I need to show up at my employers but all the other days I can work flexibly in my home office.