On Tuesday, propably one of the last sunny autumn days for this year, we spent the afternoon in the university park across the street of Katharinenhospital. And: We had vistors, one of them always being the perfect person to lift Nadine’s spirits…

As you might guess from the picture, her paresis is still an issue. Nadine is not unable to walk, but she is staggering insecurely so that we have to use a walking frame or, for longer distances, a wheelchair. After taking new pictures of her lower back, the doctors relate this problem to the cancer located at her lower spine. It didn’t grow a lot, but sometimes even small changes may cause big effects – especially when nerves are concerned.

But the major problem remain the tumors in her head. The doctors spotted progressions and therefore suggested another change in therapy: they now recommend a chemotheraphy which is injected into the nerve liqouor directly and is known for being able to pass the blood-brain-barrier. They are still thinking about whether it should be applied seperately or in addition to the recently started Capecetabin. All this will be discussed with her leading oncologist until Monday.

She has to stay in hospital until Tuesday because she still needs to get intravenous medication against her almost healed zoster three times a day. The move to the palliative care did never happen, so you still find her on station I1 in room 16.

When you’re forced to spend sad and lonely hours at the hospital bed of your loved one, questions like “why her” or “how did she deserve this” do arise. I’m sure they are useless and I always try to advise Nadine not to go into these shallows. But even though I have my philosophical answer ready, I’m not immune to such issues either.

Most humans wish that their actions will be rewarded: live a good life and earn a good fate. But concepts like morality, justice or fairness are reserved for humans only. They were somehow developped in the process of civilisation and they became one of our major patterns to interpret the world. But even though we can’t help to apply them, the world and life remain indifferent – they don’t judge and they don’t make moral choices.

If life would work in the desired way, Nadine would be the least one to deserve such a fate: She is the most good-hearted person I ever met, never harmed anybody, always took care of others more than for herself. But life doesn’t know about virtues, all it knows about are biology, chemistry and physics. And even if there were proper scientific results about the origin of cancer, it would provide no consolation: The human mind is longing for metaphysical answers.

So my sad philosophical response to all these questions is that there is none. Some things just happen and we have to live and die with them – that’s what fate is all about. The best thing one can do is to focus on here and now and try to live as happy as possible under the circumstances given. I dearly wish I could come to a more satisfying conclusion, but that would be dishonest and self-betraying.

It may sound like a platitude, but there is a significant difference between discussing these matters in a philosophical circle or thinking them through in the confines of a studying chamber compared to experiencing them oneself. So life is teaching me it’s rules the hard way right now. And I can tell you that I’m very afraid of the lessons to come.

This song doesn’t match our situation exactly, but it hits the mood and is about thinking of life in general too:

Today, Nadine felt way better than yesterday. Her problems with finding words are almost gone and she is able to get up, walk around in her room, stand by the window and get some fresh air. Which was quite nice because today was a warm autumn day.

Tomorrow, she will propably move out from station I1 into the palliative care. This is the station where she already stayed in January and where she likes it the most. She just had to wait a little bit to get a place there.

The origin of her breakdown is still unknown, examinations are under way.