I haven’t written anything here in quite a while – for almost half a year to be precise. This doesn’t mean that nothing has happened in my life. But the things that did happen haven’t got anything to do with Nadine and my relation with and feelings for her.  So, with the topic of this blog not being touched, I don’t want ro discuss them here.

My feelings for Nadine and my attitude towards the whole story seem to be settled somehow now: I feel grief every now and then and I think of her warm, fondly, thankful and lovingly. But I have found my way to carry on, and, most of the time, I don’t feel unlucky.

Even though it was raining heavily in Stuttgart today, I decided to take the long walk to the Waldfriedhof. I haven’t done this for a while – on all my recent visits I stopped by there by car. But today, on this dull afternoon, I felt the need to walk my way up there and pay my respects. I found the little hill that marks her gravesite all covered in leaves. Amongst them, there were some fresh rose petals I did not put there. It’s good to see that I’m not the only person who does pilgrimages sometimes…

I already told you that I stopped visiting the Waldfriedhof regularly – but sometimes I still feel the need to go there. Especially on these weekends when all my friends are occupied with their own lives so that I fail to make any appointments and stay on my own. These are the moments in which life continues to show me that I have lost the perfect and most reliable company I ever encountered.

I don’t want to complain in general: most of the time I feel quite well and I’m also able to go out, have fun, laugh and converse or maybe even flirt with other girls. Nevertheless, the lonesome weekends aren’t easy, but I try to take them manly and accept them as something which still has to happen in my life.

When I came to the Waldfriedhof on Saturday, the sea shell Nadine collected in Southern France and which I put between the roots of her tree more than one year ago was missing. I felt obliged to return on Sunday to replace it by another one from her vast collection.

I’m going to leave for Southern France and Spain once again next Thursday. Every holiday has made some change so far and this time it will be no different: I finally deleted Nadine’s account on Facebook and I will soon delete her e-mail-adress too. This has nothing to do with the data scandal but with personal reasons. I also opted against switching her account into that stupid memory state Facebook offers.

I struggled a long time with my decision because it means loosing good memories too, but after more than one year I started to feel increasingly strange abou still seeing her appear in mine and some other people’s list of friends. Another one of these actions which hurt but have to be done at some point in time…