I already told you that time has caused some changes. My general attitude towards Nadine hasn’t changed at all, but it’s quality has developped. I will always love that girl with all of my heart, no doubt about that. But this love is not romantic anymore – how could it be? It turned warm and melancholic and feels like nostalgia or the longing for good old times which are gone.

And I’ve got some evidence that this change in me is perceivable for others: During the last few months I was approached by four (!) different girls. This makes me believe that I do not appear broken, sad or frustrated. And: I was able to react open, witty and charming (well, at least I like to believe I did). I don’t think this would have been possible a few months earlier.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not keen on starting any affairs and absolutely nothing serious or even non-serious has happened. But, taking into account that I never wanted to become old alone, this made me think about wether I would be ready for somebody new now. My guts say yes, but they were already wrong a few times: I underestimated the meaning of having a gravesite and I overestimated the impact certain dates like christmas, birthdays or annuals have on me. It also turned out that visiting places connected with special memories of Nadine is not exceedingly problematic. Maybe that’s because I do not need to be reminded of something which is present to me day in day out anyway…

So I’m not absolutely sure what would happen if something would become serious, but I started to think about how to deal with the situation then. Because this is not just about me, it’s also about someone else who has feelings too. And the last thing I want to do is to use other people just to soothe my own pain. I came up with some results I like to call my two dogmas:

1. Never compare, neither the person nor the relationship. Nadine and life with her was great, but somebody else is somebody else and different. Don’t try to copy something gone, try to build something different which is also great.
2. Never burden the new with the old. Yes, there will always be something left behind and any new girl has to cope with that. But never let this become a problem for her. And tell her early.

P.S.: In the picture you can see me caressing my mother’s cat. I hope this will become possible with a nice girl too some day…

It would have been Nadine’s 49th birthday today. Last year, she received many flowers and I can remember that day very well. Even though I knew what was about to come, her state gave me hope: She woke up early, we had guests and she took part in the conversation. When I went to bed I never expected her goodnight wishes to be the last words I would ever hear from her. She never woke up again – in retrospective it looks like my brave darling cumulated all the strength she had left to master her birthday properly…

The last two years I chose Nikki Sudden’s optimistic song “Happy Birthday” for my blogpost – once in best hope ond once in defiance. Now I have to choose something else instead. I think the mood of this one is more appropriate and I do know that Nadine always loved Björk’s music:

On Sunday, one year will have passed since this beautiful smile disappeared from the world. At 2:30 p.m. on January 28th, me and Nadine’s family will meet at her tree to remember her. Feel free to join us if you like to. Afterwards we will proceed to the traditional coffee house Schurr at Böblinger Straße 85 in Stuttgart-Heslach.

As far as I’m concerned a lot of things have changed since then. Yes, the saying that time is a great healer has some truth to it: The loss of my beloved girl stopped to feel like an open wound and I don’t need these walks to the Waldfriedhof anymore. I still do them every now and then but I don’t have to. But it’s also true that there’s always something left behind: thinking of what has happened will make me terribly sad throughout the rest of my life.

I’m not living the life I wanted to live – how could I? – but resilience made me carry on and taught me to adopt to the situation. I learned to do things we used to do together on my own now and find some pleasure in them again. But never without the aftertaste that they would have been so much more joyful with the company of my choice.

Nadine was so easy to please and the fact the she always naturally liked what I did was hugely rewarding. I can’t tell you how much I miss that smile these moments used to create on her face. Nadine was the most modest, thankful, upright and considerate person I ever met and that’s why I will love her forever – even though this love has to become a different one than it used to be.

So, after almost one year I cannot help but repost the song I already posted after one month. There’s so much truth in it but also one inaccuracy: if we would really reap what we sow, my darling girl would still be with us…