On Sunday, one year will have passed since this beautiful smile disappeared from the world. At 2:30 p.m. on January 28th, me and Nadine’s family will meet at her tree to remember her. Feel free to join us if you like to. Afterwards we will proceed to the traditional coffee house Schurr at Böblinger Straße 85 in Stuttgart-Heslach.

As far as I’m concerned a lot of things have changed since then. Yes, the saying that time is a great healer has some truth to it: The loss of my beloved girl stopped to feel like an open wound and I don’t need these walks to the Waldfriedhof anymore. I still do them every now and then but I don’t have to. But it’s also true that there’s always something left behind: thinking of what has happened will make me terribly sad throughout the rest of my life.

I’m not living the life I wanted to live – how could I? – but resilience made me carry on and taught me to adopt to the situation. I learned to do things we used to do together on my own now and find some pleasure in them again. But never without the aftertaste that they would have been so much more joyful with the company of my choice.

Nadine was so easy to please and the fact the she always naturally liked what I did was hugely rewarding. I can’t tell you how much I miss that smile these moments used to create on her face. Nadine was the most modest, thankful, upright and considerate person I ever met and that’s why I will love her forever – even though this love has to become a different one than it used to be.

So, after almost one year I cannot help but repost the song I already posted after one month. There’s so much truth in it but also one inaccuracy: if we would really reap what we sow, my darling girl would still be with us…

Back in Germany, I visited Nadine’s grave about once a week during the last few weeks. Now, in Finland, I didn’t follow any rituals so far. But today, on the last day of the saddest year in my life, I walked over to Voisalmensaari to think of her.

I told you about Voisalmensaari back in July when I went there on an almost daily basis: In summer, it was a bikeride of just a few minutes, now, in winter, it’s a walk of about a quarter. Voisalmensaari is the place where Nadine and I stood at the shores of Lake Saimaa together for the first time in our lives and where I can relate to her in the best manner while I’m here.

Not having used my music in quite a while, I listened to my playlist again there. Please allow me to end this sad year by sharing the last song of the list with you once again. It is very meaningful to me because it deals with tragic loss and finding a way back into life.

I’m about to pack my bags again: On Thursday, I will be on my way to Finland where I’m going to spend my first Christmas without Nadine. Every holiday has made some changes so far and I think this one will do as well. People are far from being wrong when they say that time is a great healer but they should add that holidays are too.

Don’t get me wrong, Nadine’s loss still makes me unbelieveably sad and I would be ready to do whatever has to be done to get her back. But no one is offering me any deal – such deals seem to be stuff for novels, in real life they don’t exist.

One thing that is propably going to change during my absence is our doorbell: I advised the janitor to write Nusser solely.  These are the things I really hate because they feel like little deaths to me. But, on the other hand, how strange would it be to keep her name there forever? I know I have to go on, even though it feels disrespectful to me sometimes.

She never told me but I’m sure she would want me to carry on with life and find happiness again. But I’m also sure that she wants to be remembered with love and that’s what I’m definitely going to do for the rest of my life – no matter how many more of these little deaths still have to happen.