Back in Germany, I visited Nadine’s grave about once a week during the last few weeks. Now, in Finland, I didn’t follow any rituals so far. But today, on the last day of the saddest year in my life, I walked over to Voisalmensaari to think of her.

I told you about Voisalmensaari back in July when I went there on an almost daily basis: In summer, it was a bikeride of just a few minutes, now, in winter, it’s a walk of about a quarter. Voisalmensaari is the place where Nadine and I stood at the shores of Lake Saimaa together for the first time in our lives and where I can relate to her in the best manner while I’m here.

Not having used my music in quite a while, I listened to my playlist again there. Please allow me to end this sad year by sharing the last song of the list with you once again. It is very meaningful to me because it deals with tragic loss and finding a way back into life.

I’m about to pack my bags again: On Thursday, I will be on my way to Finland where I’m going to spend my first Christmas without Nadine. Every holiday has made some changes so far and I think this one will do as well. People are far from being wrong when they say that time is a great healer but they should add that holidays are too.

Don’t get me wrong, Nadine’s loss still makes me unbelieveably sad and I would be ready to do whatever has to be done to get her back. But no one is offering me any deal – such deals seem to be stuff for novels, in real life they don’t exist.

One thing that is propably going to change during my absence is our doorbell: I advised the janitor to write Nusser solely.  These are the things I really hate because they feel like little deaths to me. But, on the other hand, how strange would it be to keep her name there forever? I know I have to go on, even though it feels disrespectful to me sometimes.

She never told me but I’m sure she would want me to carry on with life and find happiness again. But I’m also sure that she wants to be remembered with love and that’s what I’m definitely going to do for the rest of my life – no matter how many more of these little deaths still have to happen.

The graveyard has been cleaned up and almost all of the leaves are gone. The place is definitely settling for winter now.

After Nadine died, I immediately started to force myself to socialize. I often saw no sense in going to pubs or concerts and kept asking myself before leaving the house: “Why are you doing this when you’re mostly thinking of something else anyway?” But it finally helped. I regained the ability to enjoy these things without bad thoughts and I’m doing them more often now than I used to over the last ten years. At the weekend we had a party in my hometown with lots of old friends and good music which I was able to comletely enjoy. Friends are definitely the best medicine in the world…

As much as I appreciate this development I still suffer from a lack of real purpose. As I realize now, my major task during the last decade was  to keep Nadine happy and to make the rest of her life as pleasant and enjoyable as possible. I did this with all of my heart and could not find any replacement yet. I’m not talking about another person, I’m talking about purpose in general. I try not to think about that too much and remain patient: time has already done a lot, but there’s still some work left…