I’ve been to the Waldfriedhof for more than a hundred times but so far the weather was never really bad. Today it is and the forecast tells me that this is not going to change soon. I went there anyway. Even though the tree shadows the gravesite very well, I stood there with an umbrella that protected me from getting soaking wet within minutes. But the part of Nadine’s tree’s trunk where the nameplate and the little heart are fixed to remained completely dry. A fact I somehow like…

Of course I might have stayed away today – does one visit more or less really matter? To Nadine it propably doesn’t, but to me it does. If I’m in Stuttgart and I got some spare time, I feel the want, need or obligation to go to the Waldfriedhof. I want it because it’s the place I can relate to her the best, I need it because I know it’s a way to channel my grief, and I feel obliged because I still see it as my duty to pay tribute to her beautiful character on an almost daily basis. I don’t think this is going to change soon.

A few years ago I would have never believed that I’m going to have more than one hundred pilgrimages to a gravesite under my belt before I turn fifty. But this became reality. Well, I might not have an accurate count, but I must have passed the three-digit-mark during the week. And what I do know for sure is that it is my birthday tomorrow.

There won’t be any celebrations and I’m not keen on receiving any compliments. Of course not, not this year. If you nevertheless ask me for a wish: I want to wake up tomorrow morning and be greeted by that special smile on Nadine’s face, inspired by her unconditional love. But this is not going to happen. If life is too harsh to offer me that, it can keep the rest too – at least for tomorrow.

On Friday it’s been half a year since Nadine left us. Annika, Nick, Uli and me met at the Waldfriedhof that day to think of her and to drop orange and red rose petals all over the place.

I used the spare time during my long stay away in Finland to reflect everything and I realized how much it had become the purpose of my life to make Nadine happy. Even though this purpose became pointless, I feel that I’m still not ready to move on and find a new one. Instead, I took up my routines in the same way I used to follow them before my absence. There is nothing bad about this, six months are simply not enough to find something new to focus on.  And, with the feeling that the most important task of my life was just finished so present, it would seem wrong to me either.

Katie Crutchfield, who also goes by the name Waxahatchee, has released a new album called “Out In The Storm” these days. Nadine used to love these young American female singers and I’m sure she would have fallen for this one instantly. Thus, I’m listening to it for her over and over on my walks to the Waldfriedhof and back.