I’ve been to the Waldfriedhof for more than a hundred times but so far the weather was never really bad. Today it is and the forecast tells me that this is not going to change soon. I went there anyway. Even though the tree shadows the gravesite very well, I stood there with an umbrella that protected me from getting soaking wet within minutes. But the part of Nadine’s tree’s trunk where the nameplate and the little heart are fixed to remained completely dry. A fact I somehow like…

Of course I might have stayed away today – does one visit more or less really matter? To Nadine it propably doesn’t, but to me it does. If I’m in Stuttgart and I got some spare time, I feel the want, need or obligation to go to the Waldfriedhof. I want it because it’s the place I can relate to her the best, I need it because I know it’s a way to channel my grief, and I feel obliged because I still see it as my duty to pay tribute to her beautiful character on an almost daily basis. I don’t think this is going to change soon.

A few years ago I would have never believed that I’m going to have more than one hundred pilgrimages to a gravesite under my belt before I turn fifty. But this became reality. Well, I might not have an accurate count, but I must have passed the three-digit-mark during the week. And what I do know for sure is that it is my birthday tomorrow.

There won’t be any celebrations and I’m not keen on receiving any compliments. Of course not, not this year. If you nevertheless ask me for a wish: I want to wake up tomorrow morning and be greeted by that special smile on Nadine’s face, inspired by her unconditional love. But this is not going to happen. If life is too harsh to offer me that, it can keep the rest too – at least for tomorrow.

On Sunday, two days after the half-time anniversary of Nadine’s passing away, we were able to go and see her gravesite. And once again we brought some small plants and added them to the site. I planted a violet between the roots of her tree – not too obvious for the wardens of Degerloch cemetery.

Last Sunday we also spent time at our daughter’s grave and watched a robin coming to her grave three times within a couple of minutes, hopping around and picking up pips. We do not want to put any extrasensory meaning into this, but to us it was something very special.