Being here in Finland, the reminders of Nadine aren’t as present and obtrusive like at home in Stuttgart. Nevertheless she is an almost constant companion to my thoughts – especially when I’m about to do things we used to do together. Like rowing a boat on the Lake Saimaa.

First I thought there are certain things I could never do again or must at least avoid in the near future. These were the things strongly connected to her, mostly visiting holiday locations like Southern France, Barcelona or Kyläniemi. But I was proven wrong: reminders of her are around me almost everytime and everywhere so I had to learn to cope with them. And it turned out that there isn’t much difference between those special events or locations and everyday life.

What I do now is try to be strong and do all these things in a manner she would have appreciated and hope that the warm thoughts of her outweigh the sadness which is always triggered simultaneously. Sometimes this does work, sometimes it doesn’t.

I usually visit Voisalmensaari to think of Nadine in the mornings. I sit or lay down there, take in the impressive view over the lake and listen to my songs. When it comes to “Up There In Heaven“, the centerpiece of my playlist, my gaze rises towards the sky and I always have to think about what Nick told me: that Nadine is somewhere up there watching us from her cloud. This is of course only his naive way of explaining the unexplainable to himself, but it also arises the serious question of an afterlife and the existence of an independent soul.

No matter what any religion or philosophy might say, I’m sure there is no way for us to be sure about in lifetime. I’m convinced to almost one hundred percent that death means the end of everything. But there is that one question that raises my doubts: Is it really possible that concepts like love, morals or justice can be derived solely from biological or chemical processes? It’s this little nagging doubt that makes me hope for more, whatever that might be and however that might work. But at least it provides some consolation…

I arranged myself with a new contemporary memorial site for Nadine: it’s at Voisalmensaari quite close to my father’s flat at Kivisalmi so that I can drive there by bike within a few minutes. It faces south-west and it’s sunny there for the whole day. Due to the late sunset at about 11 p.m. I was able to shoot the picture above last night.

It is the spot where Nadine and me stood at the shore of Lake Saimaa together for the first time back in 2009. Even though I don’t remember if she went in or not, I’m able to conceive her splashing in the water and wearing that bright and unique smile of hers all over the face. No idea wether this is a true memory or just my flight of imagination…

However that might be, the place allows me to think of her fondly, cry some silent  tears, listen to my playlist, sing a few lines out loud and tell her some pleasantries  and how much I miss her.