I spent an afternoon in the sun today in Tübingen with Annika’s family, Nadine’s parents and my father who is around these days because of my goduncle’s forthcoming burial. It was nice and I was able to enjoy the day, especially my time with Nick, but I couldn’t get rid of the feeling that somebody crucial was missing…

It seems like I secured a little victory against the harsh greenkeepers of the Waldfriedhof: the little heart built of thread I wedged into the bark of Nadine’s tree last week is still there. Maybe they are going to show some tolerance from now on.

Back in October, I wrote that life is teaching me it’s rules the hard way and that I’m very afraid of the lessons to come. One lesson I had to learn is that there are situations in life when everything might not be enough. We tend to believe that everything can be fixed or saved if we only spend enough effort. But that’s hubris and wrong.

In Nadine’s case, everybody did all they could: her doctors, her friends, her family and me the foremost. But we only managed to make her borrowed time more comfortable and to make her feel loved. I often remember the night she passed away in my arms. The feeling of helplesness when, regardless of all efforts spent, the hand that rocked the cradle wasn’t mine anymore. No, we aren’t that all-powerful as we often believe to be…

Remember Plato’s round beings I mentioned in the funeral speech? Well, here is another work of Nadine she painted in an art therapy session back in 2015, when she was in a clinic in Freiburg for rehabilitation.

The lower round being symbolizes me, having some fire burning on the inside, but showing green and blue towards Nadine. Nadine instead, the upper round being, consists mostly of green and blue, both colours symbolizing her balanced, calm, peaceful and harmonic character. All these virtues cumulated in her quiet heart which I am missing so terribly.