A friend contacted me recently and told me, that Nadine just came to her mind quite powerfully. She asked me to visit the tree for her and put something there. So I cut one of the flowers Nadine had planted on our terrace once and sticked it to her nameplate. I was always wondering about who is still thinking of Nadine after more than five years. About me and her close family I have no doubts – but what about all those more loosely attached people? Well, seems like I’ve got an answer to this question now.

As far as I’m concerned, Nadine is still very present – even though I don’t think of her on a daily basis  and I’m not visiting her gravesite that often anymore. I do a lot of bikeriding and stop by there every now and then, but somehow she’s still on my mind all the time. Sometimes in the backyard, and sometimes in the frontrow.

In a just world, Nadine would have turned 53 today. In this world, all my mum and me could do for her was to visit her gravesite and stick a flower to the nameplate  at her tree. I will return there on Friday all alone, on the fifth anniversary of her passing, because this is the only way to commemorate her properly.

On Saturday, I will meet Annika and her family at the Waldfriedhof. Due to the Covid-situation, we can’t offer anybody to join us and have to cancel the annual gathering for the second year in a row. Another sad thing that doesn’t feel just either…

The picture above shows Nadine’s gravesite on the last day of 2020. There isn’t much change to recognize – it seems like the world is only turning slowly at the Waldfriedhof. Which is the same with my emotions: First, it took some time until my grief got bearable – or did I only became aquainted to it? Now there isn’t much change anymore. I still got my bad moments but most of the time I think of Nadine in a thankful, warm and loving manner. This is propably the best I can get and I hope it’s going to stay like this forever.

The change of the year always means that we’re closing in for Nadines’s birthday and the anniversary of her passing. In the last years, friends and family used the date to gather at her tree and commemorate her together. Due to legal restrictions, we won’t be able to do so this year. So everybody has to find his or her own way. I will of course visit Nadine’s resting place on both dates, once hopefully accompanied by my mother.