When Nadine and I became a couple in March 2009, she was 40 years old – the picture above was taken about that date. Today she is turning 48 and I want to express my thanks for being allowed to be a major part of her life for almost eight years now.

I reduced her dosage of Haloperidol to five drops yesterday and she was already awake when I got up at 7:30 this morning. We will see how the day goes and wether she will manange to be awake or not.

Even though the general situation isn’t good at all, I want to repeat last year’s birthday song once more. Call it defiance or call it unbreakable hope…

It’s Nadine’s birthday tomorrow and I’ve got no idea what will happen. I am told that she tried to organize something with her friend Annette during my absence and I wanted to ask her about her plans today. Unfortunately, this was impossible, because she is sleeping almost all the time since yesterday 9 p.m. She was awake for one hour when we had visitors but fell asleep again immediately after they left.

As I told you already, her state deteriorated last Wednesday and she went almost comatose. Most of her medication was cancelled then and on Friday and Saturday she became surprisingly better. But her hallucinations have returned too. It reminded me of her state from the end of November when she had to be treated with Haloperidol. A few drops at a small but constant rate each day did the job then.

Having this in mind, me and her homecaring nurse decided to put these antipsychotics which were called off on Wednesday too back on her menue. The backside of this substance is it’s sedating side-effect. I gave her five plus ten drops during the last two days and now she’s asleep for almost 22 hours. Her sleep is calm and quiet and her breathing is regular and sounds relaxed, so I’m not too worried. But I’ve got no idea how this will continue and how it will affect her birthday. We have to wait and see…

The day I met Nadine was an auspicious day. It changed my life. I think we were in HDFL and we started talking and I realized how cool this gal was! She and I talked about books and languages and culture and In those short two weeks before she returned to Germany, a friendship was forged. Nadine, you opened a door to a whole world for me and I met so many wonderful people because of you – for a wonderful year you were my family – and then you all left and I was bereft.

We would gather for coffee and cookies at 3, cook meals together, discuss books, share languages and hopes and dreams – the world got much larger and richer for the connections. And when I came to Germany, you and Christine showed me your country – Frankfurt, Strasbourg, Heidelberg, Tuebingen, (remember the Weisswurst and the boat during the race?). We traveled to Munich and listen to Oompahpah music in the English Garten and drank beer and ate pretzels and laughed and walked to the castle. And the train to Belgium with castle after castle to see the Magritte exhibit – all those baguettes floating in the clouds and touring the central square and tea house – all special memories. And we met your parents in Reutlingen and walked the beautiful green town in early summer. I remember that day thinking we will be here together again…

I never imagined how quickly twenty years could pass or how the twists and turns in the path would shape that journey. Do you remember that damn Thirty years war paper?! You hated that thing but the challenge of translating German poetry into English… You were all in! And then you worked as an English teacher – I cannot imagine a more patient and gifted teacher and linguist! It was so painful to say goodbye at the airport at the end of that wonderful time. I wish I could be there now to make you tea, and laugh together, and give you the best hug ever. We will light our candle and grab our coffee and we will talk all night and remember all the beautiful moments we shared! And I will wear die schnekken earrings and we will be 25 again!

Love you, Jess

P.S.: The picture shows a sunset in Abilene, Kansas in September 2016