I already told you that I stopped visiting the Waldfriedhof regularly – but sometimes I still feel the need to go there. Especially on these weekends when all my friends are occupied with their own lives so that I fail to make any appointments and stay on my own. These are the moments in which life continues to show me that I have lost the perfect and most reliable company I ever encountered.

I don’t want to complain in general: most of the time I feel quite well and I’m also able to go out, have fun, laugh and converse or maybe even flirt with other girls. Nevertheless, the lonesome weekends aren’t easy, but I try to take them manly and accept them as something which still has to happen in my life.

When I came to the Waldfriedhof on Saturday, the sea shell Nadine collected in Southern France and which I put between the roots of her tree more than one year ago was missing. I felt obliged to return on Sunday to replace it by another one from her vast collection.

I’m going to leave for Southern France and Spain once again next Thursday. Every holiday has made some change so far and this time it will be no different: I finally deleted Nadine’s account on Facebook and I will soon delete her e-mail-adress too. This has nothing to do with the data scandal but with personal reasons. I also opted against switching her account into that stupid memory state Facebook offers.

I struggled a long time with my decision because it means loosing good memories too, but after more than one year I started to feel increasingly strange abou still seeing her appear in mine and some other people’s list of friends. Another one of these actions which hurt but have to be done at some point in time…

I already told you that time has caused some changes. My general attitude towards Nadine hasn’t changed at all, but it’s quality has developped. I will always love that girl with all of my heart, no doubt about that. But this love is not romantic anymore – how could it be? It turned warm and melancholic and feels like nostalgia or the longing for good old times which are gone.

And I’ve got some evidence that this change in me is perceivable for others: During the last few months I was approached by four (!) different girls. This makes me believe that I do not appear broken, sad or frustrated. And: I was able to react open, witty and charming (well, at least I like to believe I did). I don’t think this would have been possible a few months earlier.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not keen on starting any affairs and absolutely nothing serious or even non-serious has happened. But, taking into account that I never wanted to become old alone, this made me think about wether I would be ready for somebody new now. My guts say yes, but they were already wrong a few times: I underestimated the meaning of having a gravesite and I overestimated the impact certain dates like christmas, birthdays or annuals have on me. It also turned out that visiting places connected with special memories of Nadine is not exceedingly problematic. Maybe that’s because I do not need to be reminded of something which is present to me day in day out anyway…

So I’m not absolutely sure what would happen if something would become serious, but I started to think about how to deal with the situation then. Because this is not just about me, it’s also about someone else who has feelings too. And the last thing I want to do is to use other people just to soothe my own pain. I came up with some results I like to call my two dogmas:

1. Never compare, neither the person nor the relationship. Nadine and life with her was great, but somebody else is somebody else and different. Don’t try to copy something gone, try to build something different which is also great.
2. Never burden the new with the old. Yes, there will always be something left behind and any new girl has to cope with that. But never let this become a problem for her. And tell her early.

P.S.: In the picture you can see me caressing my mother’s cat. I hope this will become possible with a nice girl too some day…