On Sunday, two days after the half-time anniversary of Nadine’s passing away, we were able to go and see her gravesite. And once again we brought some small plants and added them to the site. I planted a violet between the roots of her tree – not too obvious for the wardens of Degerloch cemetery.

Last Sunday we also spent time at our daughter’s grave and watched a robin coming to her grave three times within a couple of minutes, hopping around and picking up pips. We do not want to put any extrasensory meaning into this, but to us it was something very special.

On Friday it’s been half a year since Nadine left us. Annika, Nick, Uli and me met at the Waldfriedhof that day to think of her and to drop orange and red rose petals all over the place.

I used the spare time during my long stay away in Finland to reflect everything and I realized how much it had become the purpose of my life to make Nadine happy. Even though this purpose became pointless, I feel that I’m still not ready to move on and find a new one. Instead, I took up my routines in the same way I used to follow them before my absence. There is nothing bad about this, six months are simply not enough to find something new to focus on.  And, with the feeling that the most important task of my life was just finished so present, it would seem wrong to me either.

Katie Crutchfield, who also goes by the name Waxahatchee, has released a new album called “Out In The Storm” these days. Nadine used to love these young American female singers and I’m sure she would have fallen for this one instantly. Thus, I’m listening to it for her over and over on my walks to the Waldfriedhof and back.

My stay in Finland is coming towards it’s end – tomorrow morning I will be on my way back to Stuttgart. Less than one year ago I’ve been here together with Nadine. This happened to be our last holiday together and afterwards she told me, that she could have stayed forever. Oh how I wish that this became possible…

I tried to do at least one thing each day in honour of Nadine. Mostly this meant visits at Voisalmensaari, but also things like going to coffee houses, something I usually don’t do that much on my own. The picture above shows the local roastery Lehmus, a place that Nadine definitely would have loved. I know that going there and spend some time in leisure together with me would have been enough to make her day. It makes me so terribly sad that I’ve got no chance to create such kinds of well deserved pleasures for her anymore.