On Friday it’s been half a year since Nadine left us. Annika, Nick, Uli and me met at the Waldfriedhof that day to think of her and to drop orange and red rose petals all over the place.

I used the spare time during my long stay away in Finland to reflect everything and I realized how much it had become the purpose of my life to make Nadine happy. Even though this purpose became pointless, I feel that I’m still not ready to move on and find a new one. Instead, I took up my routines in the same way I used to follow them before my absence. There is nothing bad about this, six months are simply not enough to find something new to focus on.  And, with the feeling that the most important task of my life was just finished so present, it would seem wrong to me either.

Katie Crutchfield, who also goes by the name Waxahatchee, has released a new album called “Out In The Storm” these days. Nadine used to love these young American female singers and I’m sure she would have fallen for this one instantly. Thus, I’m listening to it for her over and over on my walks to the Waldfriedhof and back.

My stay in Finland is coming towards it’s end – tomorrow morning I will be on my way back to Stuttgart. Less than one year ago I’ve been here together with Nadine. This happened to be our last holiday together and afterwards she told me, that she could have stayed forever. Oh how I wish that this became possible…

I tried to do at least one thing each day in honour of Nadine. Mostly this meant visits at Voisalmensaari, but also things like going to coffee houses, something I usually don’t do that much on my own. The picture above shows the local roastery Lehmus, a place that Nadine definitely would have loved. I know that going there and spend some time in leisure together with me would have been enough to make her day. It makes me so terribly sad that I’ve got no chance to create such kinds of well deserved pleasures for her anymore.

Being here in Finland, the reminders of Nadine aren’t as present and obtrusive like at home in Stuttgart. Nevertheless she is an almost constant companion to my thoughts – especially when I’m about to do things we used to do together. Like rowing a boat on the Lake Saimaa.

First I thought there are certain things I could never do again or must at least avoid in the near future. These were the things strongly connected to her, mostly visiting holiday locations like Southern France, Barcelona or Kyläniemi. But I was proven wrong: reminders of her are around me almost everytime and everywhere so I had to learn to cope with them. And it turned out that there isn’t much difference between those special events or locations and everyday life.

What I do now is try to be strong and do all these things in a manner she would have appreciated and hope that the warm thoughts of her outweigh the sadness which is always triggered simultaneously. Sometimes this does work, sometimes it doesn’t.