Nadine, my friend, here I am sitting on the floor of my living room, having taken the box with the old photos from the shelf and making a journey back in time. Diving into memories of our years together. Growing up in our home town, leaving the nest and creating our lives as adults. Being closer and being more distant.

And still, one thing always remained the same. Even when meeting after a longer period, it has been like we had only left each other yesterday. Your talent of creating comfort and ease in being with you, feeling familiar again in an instant, what a gift you have given in this to me – and probably to all of us. Being connected from the heart. The soul. So easily. I keep a candle burning for you.

With fond love, yours Bine Bendel

When Nadine and I became a couple in March 2009, she was 40 years old – the picture above was taken about that date. Today she is turning 48 and I want to express my thanks for being allowed to be a major part of her life for almost eight years now.

I reduced her dosage of Haloperidol to five drops yesterday and she was already awake when I got up at 7:30 this morning. We will see how the day goes and wether she will manange to be awake or not.

Even though the general situation isn’t good at all, I want to repeat last year’s birthday song once more. Call it defiance or call it unbreakable hope…

It’s Nadine’s birthday tomorrow and I’ve got no idea what will happen. I am told that she tried to organize something with her friend Annette during my absence and I wanted to ask her about her plans today. Unfortunately, this was impossible, because she is sleeping almost all the time since yesterday 9 p.m. She was awake for one hour when we had visitors but fell asleep again immediately after they left.

As I told you already, her state deteriorated last Wednesday and she went almost comatose. Most of her medication was cancelled then and on Friday and Saturday she became surprisingly better. But her hallucinations have returned too. It reminded me of her state from the end of November when she had to be treated with Haloperidol. A few drops at a small but constant rate each day did the job then.

Having this in mind, me and her homecaring nurse decided to put these antipsychotics which were called off on Wednesday too back on her menue. The backside of this substance is it’s sedating side-effect. I gave her five plus ten drops during the last two days and now she’s asleep for almost 22 hours. Her sleep is calm and quiet and her breathing is regular and sounds relaxed, so I’m not too worried. But I’ve got no idea how this will continue and how it will affect her birthday. We have to wait and see…