During our last talk on station D6, Nadine’s doctor told me that we are standing with our backs to the wall. Now it seems that the new chemotherapy shows no benefit. Yesterday, Nadine’s state deteriorated and she couldn’t drink, eat or take her medicine anymore. When I tried to wash her, she was unable to assist, let alone brush her teeth. The only explanation is that the pressure in her brain has increased furthermore.

She was treated with a higher dose of cortisone in the evening and is asleep and not approachable since then. Rigt now, I’m waiting for another doctor to come to our house and assess the situation. Her facial expression in the picture is a better one, sometimes her mouth hangs open and she’s staring with widened eyes into notingness.

I don’t have any words for how sad I feel now. With no more therapeutical options available, all my hope is gone – it looks like we have to face the end soon. Knowing that she prefers to stay at home I promised her to do everything I can to make this happen. Even though this terrible disease might defeat Nadine’s body, I will not allow it to defeat our love.

After the turbulences with the new chemotherapy we are hoping for a more steady time now. We are also alone again because my father, who stayed with us for almost a month, has returned to Finland this morning. He came around for christmas and stayed longer in order to bridge the days I had to spent away at work.

From this week on, my working hours are reduced furthermore. I will now work an average of three hours for five days a week. Mondays I need to show up at my employers but all the other days I can work flexibly in my home office.

When Nadine went into hospital last week, everybody expected a short stay of two nights. But the change in therapy plus an infection of her bladder kept her in for little more than a week. Under the circumstances given she is quite well now: carboplatinum has caused no significant side-effects by now and we’re in good hope that it is helping her head.

When she returned yesterday, she could use a new cockpit I finished during her absence. It allows her to put down things safely, to use her iPad comfortably and to adjust the bed by herself. The picture above shows the view Nadine has got into our living room.