On Monday morning Nadine had another breakdown from which she didn’t recover in the time she normally should. She was lying in bed, breathing heavily and was not adressable. A few hours ago, Annika, Nadine’s father and me had a serious talk with her doctor. He told us that she cannot be treated wit MTX as long as her state doesn’t become any better. They will keep her under watch, try to awake her once and then and make sure that she feels no pain. If she doesn’t wake up, she will be given all the time and care needed to die on D6 as peaceful as possible.

After this bad news the three of us were already somehow expecting, we went back to her room for a while. When Annika and her father had left, I stayed with her alone and talked to her for about half an our. This managed to wake her up: I was able to exchange a few words with her, although it seemed to be quite a task for her. I asked her if she wants me to stay with her in hospital and she said yes. So I went home and packed some things. As soon as I’m ready with this post, I will be on my way to an overnight stay in D6. If my presence is what it is needed and comforts her, it has to be arranged.

Please hope with me that we will get her awake permanently and into a state in which her MTX-therapy can be continued. And please hope that it will have positive effect on her. But be aware that this would be no long-term solution and just buy her an unknown amount of time. If that’s the best we can get, I will fight for this.

Not much has happened since my last post. Nadine was finally relocated to the palliative care on Monday and needs a lot of rest and sleep. Drinking became better but she still got problems with appetite and the taste of food. Nevertheless, she had her first appliance of MTX today.

When I tried to visit her after work, she was sound asleep. That’s why I stayed only for a couple of minutes. If you want to visit her, you can do so, but be aware of her current capacities – too many stimuli seem to wear her out pretty quick. And please avoid to force her into making decisions, she can’t handle this kind of pressure at all. When I left, I met her doctor on the corridor. He let me know that there were no complications with today’s injection.

Although the doctors were quiet confident, taking Nadine home didn’t turn out to be a good idea. Yesterday, in the moment I got her noodle soup ready, she announced what she likes to call her migraine. I managed to move her to the couch before it kicked in. From 1:30 pm she was lying there, sometimes responsive, sometimes not. After a few hours she started moving unruly and mumbling in a non-existent language that sounded like German and English alternately. That was when I called an ambulance which took her back to hospital at about 10 pm. It was also obvious that there was no chance to keep her hydrated, fed and medicated at home.

When I visited her today she was mostly sleeping or dozing. So the best I could do was to hold her hand for the whole afternoon. I also talked to a doctor, who said that they are going to keep her stationary, reasses her medication and prepare her for the new MTX-chemotherapy. She also hopes to get Nadine relocated to the palliative care in D6 this time.

I hope she will feel better soon so that we can have a sincere talk with her doctors about her prospects. As far as I understand by now, a successful MTX-theraphy is crucial. You can imagine what I would be prepared to give or do just to have her on the lucky side this time.