Here are two short texts for Nadine:  Long before dawn is about what I experience and Taking a chance describes what she does.

Long before dawn
Long before dawn I’m lying here
not sleeping not yet awake
visions keep haunting me
what will happen next year
what tomorrow
I won’t move

Taking a chance
It costs you a lot
in your hip it causes pain
and yet it’s great
you go out to meet
your sister husband and son
it makes you stumble
might even fall
yet you look relaxed
sitting on your parents’ terrace
talking to family and friends
each trip a challenge
exhausting and tiring
but look at
the feedback you get

For a German version of both texts, please check the comments.

When you’re forced to spend sad and lonely hours at the hospital bed of your loved one, questions like “why her” or “how did she deserve this” do arise. I’m sure they are useless and I always try to advise Nadine not to go into these shallows. But even though I have my philosophical answer ready, I’m not immune to such issues either.

Most humans wish that their actions will be rewarded: live a good life and earn a good fate. But concepts like morality, justice or fairness are reserved for humans only. They were somehow developped in the process of civilisation and they became one of our major patterns to interpret the world. But even though we can’t help to apply them, the world and life remain indifferent – they don’t judge and they don’t make moral choices.

If life would work in the desired way, Nadine would be the least one to deserve such a fate: She is the most good-hearted person I ever met, never harmed anybody, always took care of others more than for herself. But life doesn’t know about virtues, all it knows about are biology, chemistry and physics. And even if there were proper scientific results about the origin of cancer, it would provide no consolation: The human mind is longing for metaphysical answers.

So my sad philosophical response to all these questions is that there is none. Some things just happen and we have to live and die with them – that’s what fate is all about. The best thing one can do is to focus on here and now and try to live as happy as possible under the circumstances given. I dearly wish I could come to a more satisfying conclusion, but that would be dishonest and self-betraying.

It may sound like a platitude, but there is a significant difference between discussing these matters in a philosophical circle or thinking them through in the confines of a studying chamber compared to experiencing them oneself. So life is teaching me it’s rules the hard way right now. And I can tell you that I’m very afraid of the lessons to come.

This song doesn’t match our situation exactly, but it hits the mood and is about thinking of life in general too:

Today, Nadine felt way better than yesterday. Her problems with finding words are almost gone and she is able to get up, walk around in her room, stand by the window and get some fresh air. Which was quite nice because today was a warm autumn day.

Tomorrow, she will propably move out from station I1 into the palliative care. This is the station where she already stayed in January and where she likes it the most. She just had to wait a little bit to get a place there.

The origin of her breakdown is still unknown, examinations are under way.