End of December and beginning of January is always the hardest time for me. Especially this year, with no distraction through travel, I found lots of time for remembrance and grief. But, in general, there is no change in my sentiments towards Nadine and I guess I’ve explained them often enough. I also do not want this blog to become my story, it should stay Nadine’s or our story – that’s why I stopped writing regularly.

Naturally, there aren’t many things to report for 2019. One worth mentioning is that an American friend managed to set up a “Nadine Requard Memorial Award” at her University in Lawrence, Kansas. Google didn’t show me anything about it, but I was told that it is supposed to “provide support for rising scholars and give them an opportunity to pursue their academic and professional dreams.”

And Nadine’s parents added a memorial stone created by her former arts teacher to their family gravesite in Münsingen. It is in walking distance from their home so they don’t have to take long drives to commemorate their daughter.

Nevertheless they do so from time to time and the next date will be January 25th. On the day that would have marked Nadine’s 51st birthday we will come together at her tree for our annual memorial meeting. We’ll be at the Waldfriedhof at 2 p.m. Feel free to join us there and to accompany us to Café Schurr in Stuttgart-Heslach later.

I spent the turn of the year in Southern France. I did this together with Nadine more than once and we always enjoyed being mostly on our own during this this quiet time. On the last day of the old year, I took a lonesome walk along her favourite beach in Leucate Plage. In the picture, you can see a spot shielded from the winds, where we often sat together, reading books in the afternoon sun. Even though I can’t say that I’m doing terrible after almost two years, memories like the one of her sitting in the upper right corner of that staircase feel heartbreaking to me. I guess they ever will.

Almost two years. If fate would know such a thing as justice, she would have turned 50 on the 25th of January. Instead, two years since her passing will be completed on January 28. Sometimes the ordeal she mastered so bravely seems very distant to me, but sometimes it’s like it had just happened yesterday and the most terrible sadness I’ve ever experienced returns in full strength. It may sound strange, but in some respect I’m glad this is still happening – propably because I wish to honour her beautiful mind for the rest of my life.

If you feel similar, I want to invite you to join Nadine’s family and me on Sunday the 27th of January at 2 p.m. at the Waldfriedhof. We will meet at her tree, commemorate her together and proceed to one of her favourite coffee houses later.

I haven’t written anything here in quite a while – for almost half a year to be precise. This doesn’t mean that nothing has happened in my life. But the things that did happen haven’t got anything to do with Nadine and my relation with and feelings for her.  So, with the topic of this blog not being touched, I don’t want ro discuss them here.

My feelings for Nadine and my attitude towards the whole story seem to be settled somehow now: I feel grief every now and then and I think of her warm, fondly, thankful and lovingly. But I have found my way to carry on, and, most of the time, I don’t feel unlucky.

Even though it was raining heavily in Stuttgart today, I decided to take the long walk to the Waldfriedhof. I haven’t done this for a while – on all my recent visits I stopped by there by car. But today, on this dull afternoon, I felt the need to walk my way up there and pay my respects. I found the little hill that marks her gravesite all covered in leaves. Amongst them, there were some fresh rose petals I did not put there. It’s good to see that I’m not the only person who does pilgrimages sometimes…