Reunion after almost two months. Nadine and her mother haven’t met since a couple of days after mum’s stroke. We arrive without having announced our visit. There is no shock. We only understand that Nadine is feeling quite adjusted to this part of the hospital. We see her beautiful eyes. Once again the bald head – it looks good on her.

We all have our pains and sufferings. Hot flashes, headaches, a blurred vision and a migraine. Me, I feel a pain dragging from my wedding ring almost up to my heart. All that seems quite normal. Is it the imminent snowfalls which do not come down in the end? Or has the relief opened up the gates to pain ? Today is not a good day.

Mum has overcome her inhibitions: Will I be able to bear seeing my daughter in hospital? Am I asking too much of her with all my own anxieties? Nadine has to say goodbye to her concept: Mum must take care of herself in the first place. I will go and see her on the Alb one day.

Eventually, it is a great solace to see Nadine and Jens as a loving couple. Apart from all our anxieties and strains: It definitely is a good day.

P.S.: The picture above was taken back in August 2014 at Annika’s birthday party.

There is an aphorism saying that there are no atheists in foxholes. In fact, many people do at least reconsider their spiritual attitudes when they are confronted with existential situations. Nadine and me were talking about belief the other day and I realized that she is somehow struggling to find her position. So let me go into some detail about the whole thing. Not because I’m the wise guy who feels the need to explain how the world is working, but to provide Nadine with a thread she may use for becoming more clear – no matter if I’m wrong or right.

Since the beginning of the modern age, belief became more and more questionable. Modern western societies produce rationalist characters who desire rational justifications for their attitudes – which is a bit difficult with spiritual issues. I’m all with German philosopher Immanuel Kant who pointed out that there is no rational way for us to decide these kind of questions in a satisfying manner.

There might be no rational justification for belief, but there is a pragmatist one. It stems from Harvardian philosopher William James who explained his point of view in “a defence of our right to adopt a believing attitude in religious matters, in spite of the fact that our merely logical intellect may not have been coerced.”

Let me try to summarize James’ essay “The Will to Believe” in a rather free interpretation: Every person has his or her certain issues he or she desperately needs to find answers to in order to live a balanced life. For many people, spiritual matters are amongst them. They cause some kind of existential pressure that needs to be resolved. Turning to deism and belief or to atheism and disbelief are both ways to manage this. Agnosticism isn’t because it’s not suitable to pacify irresolute minds.

To me, these issues aren’t pressing, so I’m fine to end my journey down that road with Kant: I’m able to lean back in agnosticism quiet comfortably and wait and see what’s going to come some day. But I fully accept that other people need to make their choices so I grant them every right to do so – even in times dominated by rationality. And, in accordance with James, I don’t think that belief is stupid.

I was quite surprised how many readers of this blog told me that they include Nadine and me in their prayers or do something similar, depending on what they believe in. Among them were a lot of people whom I didn’t expect to sail that boat at all. The photo above shows the ‘interreligious altar’ of a friend of ours – she even put a picture of Nadine on it. Although I got my difficulties in believing that such actions will take any clinical effect, I’m very thankful for you taking them: it shows that you are truly affected and try to contribute in your very own way. I want to assure you that this solicitousness means a lot to Nadine.

In the last few weeks Nadine developped a distinct interest in her family’s history. She’s asking her dad a lot about dates and tends to remember past events more clearly. I wouldn’t go so far to say that she’s haunted, but obviously she’s diving for her submerged childhood memories. One story is about how her grandfather died when she was still a toddler. She has a certain picture in mind with him holding her younger sister at Christmas and also got a scene of his dying moments a few days later with people sitting around him in a circle reciting German poet Wilhelm Busch.

But most of her memories are related to her grandmother Erika Requardt, pictured above with her husband Willi and Nadine’s father aund uncle. I’m told that Nadine has a lot in common with Erika, both in character and in look. After having to flee from her hometown in Elbing during the war, Erika ended up in Wiesbaden, where little Nadine visited her quiet often. She describes her grandma’s home as a place where she was allowed to behave unrestricted and has plenty of pleasant memories about being there. Erika died when Nadine was twelve years old. The memories of the funeral of this woman, with whom Nadine shares a strong bound, became also very lively during the last weeks.

I resist turning psychological here and take this phenomenon as an interesting example for what can happen to the human brain under certain circumstances. Call me a physicalist if you like to…