I’m about to pack my bags again: On Thursday, I will be on my way to Finland where I’m going to spend my first Christmas without Nadine. Every holiday has made some changes so far and I think this one will do as well. People are far from being wrong when they say that time is a great healer but they should add that holidays are too.

Don’t get me wrong, Nadine’s loss still makes me unbelieveably sad and I would be ready to do whatever has to be done to get her back. But no one is offering me any deal – such deals seem to be stuff for novels, in real life they don’t exist.

One thing that is propably going to change during my absence is our doorbell: I advised the janitor to write Nusser solely.  These are the things I really hate because they feel like little deaths to me. But, on the other hand, how strange would it be to keep her name there forever? I know I have to go on, even though it feels disrespectful to me sometimes.

She never told me but I’m sure she would want me to carry on with life and find happiness again. But I’m also sure that she wants to be remembered with love and that’s what I’m definitely going to do for the rest of my life – no matter how many more of these little deaths still have to happen.

Each year during Advent the women’s fellowship at our church has a candlelight potluck to come together and mark the beginning of Advent. It is a lovely time to be together and enjoy food and friendship and music by candlelight. Each year at the close of this gathering and also at the end of the Christmas Eve service we sing Silent Night. It is a tradition in this historically German kirche established in 1840 to remember our history and connection to the past. And so we sing the first two verses in English and the third in German raising our candles and symbolically shining our light in the world of darkness.

This year memories of times with Nadine over candlelight came flooding back and so I raised my candle in the knowledge that light and love are our eternal connection. And I sang:

Stille Nacht, Heilige Nacht
Alles schläft, einsam wacht
Nur das traute, hoch heilige Paar.
Holder Knabe im lockigen Haar,
Schlaf in himmlischer Ruh,
Schlaf in himmlisher Ruh.

May we carry her light and love with us in the quiet and beauty of this Christmas season.

The graveyard has been cleaned up and almost all of the leaves are gone. The place is definitely settling for winter now.

After Nadine died, I immediately started to force myself to socialize. I often saw no sense in going to pubs or concerts and kept asking myself before leaving the house: “Why are you doing this when you’re mostly thinking of something else anyway?” But it finally helped. I regained the ability to enjoy these things without bad thoughts and I’m doing them more often now than I used to over the last ten years. At the weekend we had a party in my hometown with lots of old friends and good music which I was able to comletely enjoy. Friends are definitely the best medicine in the world…

As much as I appreciate this development I still suffer from a lack of real purpose. As I realize now, my major task during the last decade was  to keep Nadine happy and to make the rest of her life as pleasant and enjoyable as possible. I did this with all of my heart and could not find any replacement yet. I’m not talking about another person, I’m talking about purpose in general. I try not to think about that too much and remain patient: time has already done a lot, but there’s still some work left…