The Stutttgart Cancer Center is going to celebrate its 5th anniversary with open doors for patients and their relatives on September 23rd.  It’s a Saturday and there will be guided tours and workshops plus an exhibition by the art therapy group. The therapist asked me to bring some of Nadine’s works around so that they can be shown too. I like the idea that the pictures she painted with all of her heart will receive some posthumous recognition. For the details of the event please visit the website of the Stuttgart Cancer Center.

A few weeks ago I told you about the new Waxahatchee album Nadine would have loved. I kept my promise to listen to it for her over and over on my walks to the Waldfriedhof and I will continue to do so until next Friday. Then, Waxahatchee will come to the Manufaktur at Schorndorf  and play a gig. Please join me there if you like to!

On her new album, there is that slow and sad song that always reminds me of the calm mood in our flat in the night Nadine passed away. When she tapered off, time seemed to stand still and every moment she lived a little more also meant a moment she died a little more…

Though Nadine’s fate was terrible, she rarely complained. We had our incredible sad moments, but complaining seemed to be mostly alien to her. I once wrote here that she was no fighter and with that I meant fighting against something. Her strength was to endure things, no matter how injust or undeserved they were. Which requires another kind of fighting spirit and that’s what my brave darling girl showed throughout her ordeal.

When it became clear that our journey together would end way too soon, she said she wished that we have met earlier in life. I used the weekend to search for an old ticket to the movie “Following”, but I couldn’t find it anymore. The movie itself stems from 1998, but we must have seen it in 2006 or maybe 2005, when a friend of mine took me to the cinema and brought her fellow student from Tübingen with her. We went for a drink afterwards and it took some time before we met again and became a couple in 2009.

Yes Nadine, I also wish I had met you earlier!

I received “Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy”, one of these easy to read guidebooks as a birthday present. It shares the personal experiences of facebook manager Sheryl Sandberg who lost her 47 year old husband back in 2014. To me however, it didn’t provide many helpful insights. When option A is not available anymore it’s of course best “to kick the shit out of option B.” And to develop most of the strategies she’s mentioning I didn’t needed a guidebook: I’ve already started to do the little things that used to make me happy once instead of waiting to feel happy enough to start them.

The interesting chapter of the book was the one about how people are dealing with people in grief. Some are empathic, but some don’t dare to ask questions or even mention the deceased partner: they fear that their questions may stir up something. Which is nonsensical, because Nadine is present in my mind at almost anytime anyway. Instead, not mentioning her pretends that she has never lived – and that’s disgraceful.

Yes, I sometimes like to talk about her and about how I’m doing, because this issue is far from being over and has to be dealt with in an open manner. So yes, you may ask me questions if you make sure to get the time and cadence right. And if you are clear and distinct about your intentions, because a casually dropped “how are you?” is causing me the trouble to decide wether it’s a sincere question or just a set phrase. But you are no dumb fools, aren’t you?